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| So its been awhile, and it seems to me that everytime I come here I complaine about SOMETHING. But, for now I am done complaining. At last, things finally started calming down. I think I finally found someone to stick to, honestly I still have doubts, but it's always better safe than sorry. At one point in time, I know im going to hurt again, and I think that's the reason what's holding me beck. I rather not hurt myself and never loved at all. (Not saying I am in love or anything, it's still too early for that) I mean things change people change. What if one day he turn his back on me too? Like all the other ones that have? What if he gets annoyed of me being too nice? ( cause it seems to me that appearently that is actually a problem now a days... -.- ) regardless, I am already throwing half of myself into this thing, and that is definitly a nono. I want to controll myself so I won't get hurt, riight? But at the sametime I just need to be myself. But again, this is a relationship, I have to tolerate, sacrafise, and understand. And ill do just that so I can keep him with me. Even if that means I might loose a lot of things. Its ok.
The other day I was actually pretty upset when he told me he smoked another cigarett. But for some reason I just couldn't get mad at him. He could've chose not to tell me. So now I should trust him more? See this is the thing, I trust too many people, easily. I don't mind, but it does stab in the heart when I do lose it all.
Idk, at least for now I am happy with where im at. College apps are finally done deal. Transcripts are out. Grades doesn't matter anymore. Only 6 month left till im out of the bubble. Life just seems a lil brighter. Today is new years eve, im going to take my time out and make a resolution and some prayers.
Prayers/ wishes/ resolution:
-i want to get into a goodd college
-study hard when I do get into college, don't let the fun distract me
-scholarship scholarship scholarsip
-new car? :(
-keep this boyfriend around <3
-lose that lil extra bit of fat
-lifetime lifetime!
-keep getting along with everyonr
-yellow mag, I want to win.
-no, I need to win.
-be happy with who I am :) | | |
| I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice. Always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you a huge part of my life, wasting time on you, depending on you, thinking about you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, changing for you. And most of all, for not hating you when I know that I should. | | |
| Dear God, i remember that first day, the first day when he walked through that door how he came fashionably late to YLC, i stared at him, thinking, "wow." that's it. there was something about him that made me want him. but i kept it quiet. everytime we have an activity i would peek around to see where he's at. thinking maybe, just maybe i can get a glimps of him. that's what i thougth of him. it's the biggest crush, and it's the cutest feeling. after that sunday, i couldnt get the smirk off of my face. when i got off the car, he helped me with my loggage and walked me to the door. and then it started, the first spark happened. accepting his friend request was probably the most exciting thing in awhile. the funny thing is, it takes alot for me to crush on someone, rarely there would be a guy that i would acutally melt on. like i said. there is soemthign about him... to be continued | | |
| arghhh. why does people keep asking me "how would you know if hes not cheating on you??" omg. I DONT KNOW. but just stop it. -__- if i want somethign to freakn workout ill do whatever it takes right? and trusting him is the one and only thing that i can do. people stop asking me if i think about that. well no duh i have thought about it. but because i trust him, so i KNOW that hes not cheating on me. cause from the bottom of my heart i know he is a good guy and he wont do such thing to me. not everybody in the world cheats. for example, ME. sheesh. and if he really does start liking other girls or cheat on me, i mean oh well, i guess i just wasted my time on someone worthless, if a person have self respect and dignity, then they wont cheat. so if you ask me one more time how can i do this?
here is my answer,: i trust with all i have.
i'm happpy, stop making me question myself to make me confused, again.
i like where i am right now. just let me trust my own instinct ok? thanks. | | |
| breakdown. #1 finally. i came to an crashing point of life again. the time when nothign it's going right, nothing. everything is so overwhelming, knowing that i can achieve absolutly nothing makes me jst look down at myself. im not tryign to be pessmisttic right now, it's jst m trying to stop lying to myself and face the damn reality. it's true. there is nothing. i seem like i have nothing to look forward to anymore. not school, not life, and i dont even get that excitment when i hear the word "party"... so what's killing me? _college_ boy_ calc grade_ family_ lost credit card_ ranking _ SAT II_ Scholarship _ACT_ &this weeknd (i wanna see him)... all of this, is basicly driving me insane. and the fact that i am pms-in is not helping much. last week, i messed everything up. and i felt like s---cause i danced with an another guy, and why did i feel bad in the first place??? wth i have no idea. i am not even with him anymore. and dancing iwht him is not like anything. but u noe what? it definitly ruined my whole sunday. im so confsued, i dont know if i should just let go or not. part of me told me to hang on cause i don't know what's going to happen to us. we are still talkin as "friends". but it just makes me miss him more and more, and i just want to be with him even more. if i let it go, im still goign to miss him, but at least maybe i wont give myself that false hope. that lil lil tiny hope that i have inside of me. if we are just giong to be friends for now, we are probably goign to be friends forever. why dont we jst be best friends for life huh? or is there an end to this. i can acutally wait for him, and in the end get what i want. if this is a never ending thing, and we are jst going to stay friends.. why am i still here? hanging on might just hurt me even more. why can't he say something. say anythning. your so fkin confusing. if u dont want me just say it. if u do show me. dont pitty me. just do what your heart tells you. not your brain. i dont even freakn know why i like him in the first place. but something about him... ever since the day i met him, he got me attached. out of like iono the 50billion guys i talked to after gabe, i never felt like this with anyone else. i never felt like i acutally have to hang on. cause he is worth the hurt. i want to tell him how much he means to me, how much i like and care about him, how much i cry because of him. but i just can't. m scared of rejection, m scared of him saying no. m scared of him saying "maybe this is the best for us for now..." im scared, im scared of losing him forever... maybe, just maybe, i should be stronger and let it go.
maybe it would make his life easier. maybe it would make him happier...
i need you, i miss you, i miss us... </3 | | |
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